What if?
by KlikStar
Summary: “Gaia, sometimes I wish you’d never met him, then you wouldn’t be like this.” Tifa's words about Zack hadn't meant to be so cruel, but they did make Cloud wonder 'What if'


**I haven't given up with IDB or 4WS but this came to me on the train while travelling to and from work and it's the only thing I've had time to type up. I'll get on with the others soon, I promise.**

**As always, the characters are from Square Enix and only the ideas are mine.**

**Enjoy.**

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What if?

Cloud stood looking hollowly at the rusted sword in front of him, the once impressive blade now dulled of life and stained with browns and red that could easily have been the blood it had claimed over the years. The once strong warrior unable to look away as he watched the single object mark a significant place in the world, the grave marker of a dear long lost friend silently letting the world know that this person had not been forgotten.

It was a place which Cloud had come to often, in times of trouble and sadness. A strange sort of sanctuary away from everyone and everything when he'd needed a friendly ear to confide in, or a place to ask for forgiveness for something else he had done. But today the blonde stood on the hill and simple looked at the sword uncertainly, his usual words unable to spring forth due to the question which now filed his head.

It hadn't been his fault that those questions were there now, hadn't been his idea which sparked so many other thoughts to be born. Yet Tifa's words still echoed in his head and made all of those things come to life in a way which felt wrong, yet also felt right.

"You have to let them go, especially him, it's killing you." She had shouted at him, the words just some of many that were spoken as she finally snapped at him. "Gaia, sometimes I wish you'd never met him, then you wouldn't be like this."

Her rant had died then, the anger on her face falling away to shock and regret within seconds even as her voice still floated in the tense air between them.

"Oh, Cloud. I'm, so sorry." She had whispered, her enraged outburst at him suddenly gone and replaced by fear from what had been said.

But Cloud had already shut down, his internal struggle at her obvious pain cut off from him now as he silently turned away and left. Her voice had not dared to call him back or argue once more as the door closed behind him, as his blank and emotionless expression froze her to the spot and allowed him leave unstopped.

The truth was that the blonde had not been unaffected by her ranting, the impact of those carelessly spoken words in fact hitting him like a punch to the gut. But he was not one to show emotion, having had years of practice in hiding what was being felt so that no one would see it. Instead he had run as was so common for him, known that after how she had looked so scared and guilty that she would not dare to hold it against him this time.

Instead of letting the shock and internal heartache show he had driven into the wastelands, had left the world of the living behind in search of quieter more lifeless places to think. And think he did. The simple thought of 'what if' filling his mind until all he could see was a whirlwind of memories that made his head hurt. The tornado which spiralled out of control within his mind considering the suggestion and trying to work out if she was right, would it have been better if he'd never met Zack at all?

And that was why Cloud now found himself standing on the cliff top where his friend had died to save him, a place where the great man had sacrificed everything to give him … well … everything.

"What if Zack?" Cloud whispered, his lips finally allowing a few softly spoken words to break free. "What if I hadn't met you? Would things have been better? For both of us?"

No reply came to him and for once it saddened the blonde, the ghosts of his friends always feeling close by when he needed them. Except maybe not now, when he really wanted them.

"If we hadn't met then maybe … maybe we could have both been happy."

"Or we could have both been miserable, or dead, or both." A familiar voice finally spoke up, the tone implying annoyance at the idea but also concern for the one who'd spoken it.

"You would still be alive, if it wasn't for me." Cloud replied softly, the beginning of an old argument between them once gain coming to life.

"Damn it Spiky, I told you never to think that." Zack huffed, his voice tight with anger but also the restraint being put in place to not let that anger out.

"But it's true." The blonde argued firmly, the hurt of past truths slowly coming to the surface as they were finally allowed to be shown here where no living thing would see them. "You were so much stronger than me." Cloud managed before an emotional lump blocked his throat.

"I was strong because of you." The soldier sighed, his ghostly form trying to wipe away the tears which had broken free and were slowly trailing down over the blonde's pale cheeks. "If it wasn't for you I'd have died inside a long time ago."

"No you wouldn't, you would have been happy. You could have been the hero you always wanted to be. No, not could, you would have been the hero." Cloud stated firmly, the tremble in his voice being almost as painful as the silvery tracks which now stained his delicate features. "If you'd never met me then you wouldn't have suffered so much."

"I was suffering when we met Cloud, that day in the mountain, when my world was falling apart." Zack began to explain, his voice soft and silently begging the blonde to really listen to what was being said. "Losing Angeal took something from me, but you put it back again. Knowing you gave my life purpose and made me feel whole, the way you smiled making my world a little bit brighter each and every day we were together."

"But the mission … Nibelheim … and everything …" Cloud stammered questioningly, his heart aching at the memories of what they had endured and the pain Zack had suffered during that time.

"Those things hurt, but more because I couldn't help you." The soldier whispered sadly, the guilt and regret he still felt for that time easily being heard above the sound of the wind which had picked up around them. "If anyone should be wondering what if then it's me."

"Then you do regret meeting me?" Cloud breathed brokenly, the sound of his pain cutting deep into the others unbeating yet aching heart as he spoke.

"No, never that." Zack hurried to say, his voice becoming firm again but unable to hide his own emotions now as he tried to correct the blonde's thoughts. "What I meant is what if you had never met me? I know that it was because of me you were at Nibelheim in the first place, that everything which happened to us there was my fault."

"Zack no …" Cloud tried to interrupt, his heart lurching in his chest as the soldier ignored him and carried on talking.

"It's my fault you got hurt like that and I'm sorry I couldn't do more to get us out sooner." He apologised, his own version of ghostly tears running unseen down his handsome face. "If you'd never have met me then you wouldn't have got caught up in that mess. You could have lived a normal life and been happy."

"That life would have been a lie, even if I didn't know it then." Cloud replied faintly, his ocean blue eyes appearing much older than his years due to the things which haunted their depths. "I never would have made it to soldier being who I was."

"You don't know that." Zack cut in, his ever positive thoughts not allowing him to believe for one minute that someone with Cloud's heart and determination could have been refused that chance.

"It's ok, I get it now." The blonde reassured him softly, a heavy sigh escaping his body as he looked towards the sword once more. "I gave it my all, but I just wasn't soldier material." He said sadly, a solemn sort of acceptance lacing his words.

"You still would have been happy and safe, away from that mad scientist and his toys." The soldier pointed out, deciding that there was no reason to drag the other issue out any longer.

"But you wouldn't have, would you?" Cloud suddenly gasped, his mind opening a door to a possibility which hadn't yet been seen amongst the darkness of his thoughts. "You would have still been on that mission and … and been hurt."

"I guess." Zack replied slowly, afraid to say more in case the blonde's mind took him where the soldier feared he was going.

"Or you could have been killed right there in the reactor and … and ...."

Zack cursed under his breath as Cloud's choking words filled the air, as deep pools of blue grew wide and filled with complete comprehension of what had happened that day.

"That's right Cloud." The soldier confirmed lightly, his hand reaching up to gently run itself soothingly over the trembling blonde's shoulder. "If we had never met then you wouldn't have been there to stop Sephiroth the first time. You wouldn't have saved the world from him and Jenova when it all began."

"But … but someone else could have done it, the cadet who would have gone in my place might have …"

A sense of his dead friend shaking his head solemnly brought the blonde's words to an end, the feeling that Zack was now silently telling him that wouldn't have happened sinking into Cloud's very soul.

"So if we had never met then the world would have died long before Meteor." The blonde whispered almost fearfully, the brave and strong warrior once again sounding like a lost and lonely child who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Your pain and anger gave you the strength and purpose to do what you had to, gave you the courage to do what needed to be done." The soldier admitted gently, the truth sounding almost apologetic as it was spoken. "He took everything from you and that's what helped you to defeat him. No one else would have been able to do it, not like you did."

"So …" Cloud began uncertainly, the others presence once again becoming a comforting warmth to his soul as the doubts were slowly blown away. "If we had never met then we would both be dead." He asked softly, the words being almost an echo of the ones Zack had spoken earlier.

"And miserable." The solder added helpfully, his ghostly arms wrapping themselves around the blonde's shoulders in a tender embrace. "Don't forget miserable."

"Would you really have been miserable for not knowing me?" Cloud whispered, a part of him really needing to know.

"Of course feather head." Zack chuckled, his rich warm laughter melting away the last of the blonde's heartache. "No way would I have had as much fun teasing someone else about their hair."

"Zack." The blonde whined playfully in protest, a faint upward curve forming at the edges of his lips as he began to remember some of those times as well.

"Sorry spiky, but you know I just can't help myself." The soldier replied happily, the odd sensation of his hair being ruffled by an unseen touch making Cloud's tiny smile grow a little bit more. "Now go home and work things out with Tifa, before she has an aneurism worrying about you."

"Thanks Zack." The blonde whispered, as he felt the presence of his friend slowly begin to fade away. "And I'm glad I met you."

"Me to Spiky, me too." A warm voice whispered back to him, the sound being carried away on the wind as the person who spoke it disappeared completely.

A few minutes later and Cloud was once again riding Fenrir through the wastelands, his sights set for home and his mind focused once more. The thoughts which now flowed through him no longer being what if but of what next, the past regrets which still haunted him feeling a little less burdening as he considered how even with their weight still resting on his shoulders the alternative would have been even more impossible to survive.

After all, how could they have look towards the future if there hadn't been a chance for one in the first place.


End file.
